If I Had It to Do Over Again

One of my recurring dreams is that of returning to Bible College. I've had this one so often that, in the dream, it's not unusual for me to think, "Wow, I've dreamed of doing this so often, now I'm actually doing it."

I'm realizing more and more that what looks, on the surface, to be a desire to go back to Bible College is in fact a desire to do it over again, something which is, of course, impossible. Were I to go back to Bible College again, I think I would be disappointed, because of course nothing would be as it used to be, and "as it used to be" is precisely what my heart yearns for.

So why this burning desire to do it again? Was it a wonderful time? Most certainly. It had its rough moments, but overall, I wouldn't trade the Bible College experience for anything. But my reason for wanting to do it over again is to correct all the mistakes I made in interacting with others. Unfortunately, through the glasses of hindsight, I see most prominently the mistakes I made, vastly overshadowing anything positive I may have done in the lives of others.

If I could relive those years, I'd be a little kinder, a little more selfless, a little less judgmental, a little less inflexible in my views, and a whole lot less arrogant. I think it was my arrogance that was my biggest downfall. It probably still is, I'm sure I still have a long way to go when it comes to that.

Not a day goes by when I don't think back to those times and discover something new I should or should not have said, done, thought, or planned, and more often than not, it all comes down to the stupidly high opinion I had of myself. I'm often astounded that people put up with me as willingly as they did.

It was a wonderful time. The people I was privileged to meet, the friends I was privileged to make, and the things in which I was privileged to take part were amazing. How much more so would they have been if I hadn't been so very full of myself? I shudder at the thought of all the opportunities lost by my own self-absorption.

So that, I think, explains the dreams ... and when I say I have these dreams often, we're talking at least once every couple of weeks. Some of them are downright funny; in some I actually correct the mistakes I made in real life; in most, the message is simply driven home to me that my ego caused me to squander much of the treasure at my disposal, and there's nothing I can do about it, beyond (a) apologizing to those affected and meaning it, and (b) trying to learn from my mistakes and not remake them. Wow, what a tall order that part (b) is.

But maybe now I can put these demons to rest, maybe there will come a point where I can finally learn the difference between what I cannot change and what I can, and focus my efforts on the latter instead of lamenting the former.

I hear a lot of people boldly say, "What people think of me doesn't matter." Well, I can't say that for myself, it does matter. The opinion of others is my earthly legacy. Ultimately, of course, it's God's opinion of me that matters, but since one of the greatest commandments is "Love thy neighbor as thyself", it stands to reason that how I view and treat others, and hence others' opinions of me, is part of what God uses in passing His perfect judgment on me; and so the opinions of others do matter, and they matter tremendously.

Over the past year, I've had people listening to the radio shows I've produced, reading the words I've written, and I'm amazed. They don't have to listen, they don't have to read, but they choose to do so. What does that say to me? That I'm good? No. It just says that I'd darned well better do everything in my power to make it worth their while. Do I achieve this? Who knows. But it's up to me to try.