Small Cars, Hard Heads

[dogriver]

Hi everyone,

It's been quite some time since I've actually written an update here, so maybe I'm about due. Or should that be overdue.

First of all, one of the few truly bright points in my life continues to be Caroline, kittytech. It's been over a year and a half now since she and I became a couple. In that time, my love for her has only grown, as has my respect for her integrity and my wish that she could have the queen's life she deserves. She is so selfless, so caring, ... She's just wonderful.

Unfortunately, many other areas of my life remain a struggle. I think back to the time when I thought that being in a happy relationship would be the solution to all my problems. No one need tell me now how naïve that notion was. But I feel, far too often, on the verge of being pushed beyond the breaking poing by life and by circumstance. I need a major, tangible, palpable break in my life. I need a few months of worry-free breathing room, and I need it fast.

I'm starting to notice things about myself I'm not especially proud of. I have traditionally not been a vengeful person. I do not believe that revenge solves anything or gives you anything other than short-term adrenaline-based satisfaction that wears off very quickly. Yet while I believe this, while I still believe this, I am finding myself drooling over imagining getting revenge at those who have hurt me or are hurting me. I want to hurt them back the way they've hurt me, and I'm thinking it would feel so incredibly good to do it. Of course I know this is futile, of course I know it's un-christian, and of course I know I'd hate myself to no end if I were to actually go through with it, but the prospect most certainly pleases, and I find myself having to fight it. To my fellow Christinas, please pray that I do not give in to this irrational thinking.

My old roommate's mother was hospitalized on Monday with what appears to be a minor stroke. She went back home yesterday. My prayers are with this kind, giving, caring woman, Mrs. Stahn, and her family.

Well, that's it, I suppose. I didn't mean to drop off the face of the earth, and I know I've been worse than horrible at following my friends' entries lately. If you're a Christian, please pray for me. If you're not, your good thoughts, wishes, and/or prayers mean a great deal to me and are appreciated.

Comments

[norda.livejournal.com]

Quote: I feel, far too often, on the verge of being pushed beyond the breaking poing by life and by circumstance. I need a major, tangible, palpable break in my life. I need a few months of worry-free breathing room, and I need it fast ...unquote.

Fingers and braids crossed here that you'll get such a break soon.

[kittytech.livejournal.com]

Hey. Nice to see an update from you again, especially since I know nothing about what's been happening with you. GRIN!!! But, aren't you going to tell all the nice people out here in LJ land all about the small car and hard head that you mentioned in your title? SMILE!!!

[dahlia-and-balu.livejournal.com]

That's what I was wondering: small cars, hard heads?

[dahlia-and-balu.livejournal.com]

I have you on my list and send out good thoughts for you every night. Didn't know that, did you? Yup, it's true.

[masterofmusings.livejournal.com]

Thank you, that is really sweet and appreciated beyond measure.

[toonhead.livejournal.com]

This is probably going to come out like 16 shades of wrong but I feel like I need to say this so I'm gonna forge ahead in hopes that it comes out right. On the whole wanting to hurt others thing and getting a mental break from things, it's only possible if you change the way your mind works in certain situations. You have to let the past be the past and let sleeping dogs lie as it were. I mean, here you are, you have a great job even though it may be boring and tedious at times. I know lots of people who don't including yours truely. But I'm looking though. You also have an awesome girlfriend. This lady would go to the ends of the earth for you and loves you unconditionally, and from what I can tell, it's mutual. So instead of concentrating on things that happened in the past and all the really bad stuff, you have to be able to get yourself to a point were you're able to say, hey, life's good. I've got a job, a girl, and a roof over my head and yes, by God I deserve these things, I've suffered long enough and it's ok to be appreciate of these things, because it is. Once you get to that point, I think you'll find that a lot of those negative and hurtful feelings will fade away. It may take a while for them to do so, but if you give yourself a chance, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. Think about the pleasures in life...a good cold coke. spending time with your lady. Fibber McGee and Molly and your fave old time radio shows. Cornr Gas, the Flintstones and other shows you like. A bombers game when football starts again. These are all things i know you enjoy, so if you can focus on the good things, it'll all start to fall into place. Whew. ok, I think I said it in the best way I know how. The rest is up to you, my friend.

[masterofmusings.livejournal.com]

A very good sense of perspectiv, and I appreciate it. I also need to correct a few glaring typoes in my main entry. <GRIN> Thanks for caring enough to respond.

[jenandbronze.livejournal.com]

I will certainly be praying...HUGS

[masterofmusings.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much, I appreciate it and it means a lot. HUGS